WHEN I WAS 19, I USED TO GO DANCING WITH MY DEAR FRIEND, LISA, CONSTANTLY. WE WERE A COUPLE OF DISCO BUNNIES. ALSO, WE DRANK A LOT. YOU MIGHT EVEN SAY WE WERE A COUPLE OF BAR FLIES, OR MAYBE LOUNGE LIZARDS.

ON MONDAY NIGHTS, WE WOULD HIT THE "COLLEGE STATION" FOR FREE DRINK NIGHT. THIS WAY WE COULD HAVE A WILD NIGHT ON THE TOWN WITHOUT SPENDING VERY MUCH MONEY AT ALL. WE WOULD USUALLY OVERDO IT WHEN WE ATTENDED FREE DRINK NIGHTS. ONE TIME, THINGS REALLY GOT OUT OF HAND.

AFTER A FEW HOURS OF SOME SPIRITED "FREESTYLE TEENAGE DANCING", IT WAS TIME TO GO. ON THIS PARTICULAR MONDAY NIGHT, LISA WAS TRASHED. I WASN'T MUCH BETTER OFF. WE STUMBLED FROM THE CLUB TO MY CAR.

WHEN WE GOT OUTSIDE THE BAR, WE WERE STOPPED BY KELLY, A NEIGHBOR OF MINE. ON THIS PARTICULAR NIGHT, KELLY WAS IN FULL DRAG. HE WAS DECKED OUT IN A FULL-LENGTH SEQUINED GOWN, SEVERE MAKEUP, AND, BECAUSE THIS WAS THE SOUTH, HUGE HAIR. IN SPITE OF BEING A SASSY CROSS-DRESSER, KELLY WAS A PRETTY NICE GUY, AND TONIGHT HE NEEDED A RIDE HOME. I AGREED TO DROP HIM AT HIS APARTMENT.

ON THE WAY HOME, POOR LISA WAS SEMI-CONSCIOUS AT BEST, AND KELLY AND I DECIDED TO SWING THROUGH A DRIVE-THROUGH AT A FAST FOOD RESTAURANT FOR SOME BURGERS.

LITTLE DID WE KNOW THAT OUR HANKERING FOR LATE NIGHT SNACKS WOULD GET ME IN TROUBLE.

LISA STARTED HOLLERING AS SOON AS SHE SMELLED THE HAMBURGERS WE BOUGHT. SEEMS THAT SHE WAS QUITE DRUNK, AND THE SMELL OF GREASY FAST FOOD WAS MAKING HER VERY NAUSEOUS. SHE YELLED AND FUSSED AND DEMANDED TO BE LET OUT OF THE CAR. WE WERE PRETTY CLOSE TO MY APARTMENT BUILDING BY THIS POINT, AND IN MY HASTE TO GET LISA HOME, I TURNED THE WRONG WAY DOWN A ONE-WAY STREET.

WHAT I FAILED TO REALIZE WAS THAT I MADE THIS ILLEGAL TURN IN FRONT OF 4 POLICE CARS. I SAW THE BLUE LIGHTS IN THE REAR VIEW AND KNEW I WAS IN TROUBLE. WE WERE GOING THE WRONG WAY, WE WERE ALL PRETTY LIQUORED UP, AND THERE WAS A 6'2" DRAG QUEEN IN MY CAR. KELLY, BY NOW, HAS GONE INTO A STATE OF TOTAL PANIC. HE WAS CONVINCED THAT HE WAS GOING TO BE ARRESTED AND TAKEN TO JAIL, JUST FOR BEING DRESSED LIKE A WOMAN. FORTUNATELY, HE WAS WRONG. I PULLED OVER IN FRONT OF MY APARTMENT BUILDING AND GOT OUT OF THE CAR. THE POLICE OFFICER QUESTIONED ME ABOUT MY ILLEGAL TURN, AND ABOUT WHERE I WAS GOING. I TOLD HIM I WAS SORRY ABOUT THE ILLEGAL TURN, BUT THAT I HAD BEEN AT HOME GETTING READY FOR BED WHEN I HAD BEEN CALLED TO COME PICK UP MY FRIEND LISA, WHO WAS AT A NIGHT CLUB AND WAS TOO DRUNK TO DRIVE. NATURALLY THIS WAS ALL UTTERLY FALSE. JUST THEN, KELLY BOLTED FROM THE CAR AND RAN OFF INTO THE NIGHT, SEQUINS SPARKLING UNDER THE STREET LAMPS. THE OFFICER ASKED ME IF THAT WAS MY FRIEND LISA WHO HAD JUST RUN AWAY. "NO!" I EXPLAINED, "THAT'S A GUY. THERE'S LISA, OVER THERE!" I POINTED TO WHERE LISA WAS NOW CRAWLING ON ALL FOURS, DRUNKENLY TRYING TO GET FROM MY CAR TO MY APARTMENT WITHOUT BEING NOTICED BY THE COP. RIGHT WHEN I POINTED HER OUT, LISA VOMITED ALL OVER THE PLACE.

THE POOR POLICE OFFICER SEEMED MORE SCARED OF US THAN WE WERE OF HIM. MIRACULOUSLY, I DID NOT GET TAKEN DOWNTOWN OR ARRESTED. I DID GET A TICKET FOR DRIVING THE WRONG WAY, THOUGH. I GUESS TRANSPORTING TRANSVESTITES AND DRUNK WOMEN IS NOT A CRIME.