I COME FROM A LONG LINE OF INSANE HILLBILLIES. I SAY THAT BECAUSE MY RELATIVES ARE ALL FROM KENTUCKY, AND LOTS OF THEM ARE CRAZY. THERE'S MY UNCLE, RAY (NOT HIS REAL NAME), FOR INSTANCE. HE'S MY MOM'S YOUNGEST BROTHER. THIS IS THE STORY OF THE TIME HE DECIDED TO KIDNAP MY GRANDMA.

I'M NOT A TRAINED PSYCHIATRIST, BUT I WOULD HAVE TO SAY UNCLE RAY IS MORE OR LESS A BIPOLAR SCHIZOPHRENIC PARANOID PSYCHO NUTBOY, TO PUT IT IN CLINICAL TERMS.

RAY LIKES TO ACCOST WOMEN AT THE LOCAL SHOPPING MALL AND FRIGHTEN THEM BY TAKING THEIR PICTURES AS THEY TRY TO GET AWAY FROM HIM.

HE THINKS HE IS A MILLIONAIRE WHO OWNS HIS OWN HELICOPTER.

HE ONCE BROKE INTO A TOTAL STRANGER'S HOUSE IN BROAD DAYLIGHT. WHEN THE OWNER OF THE HOME RETURNED, SHE FOUND RAY SITTING ON HER COUCH, WATCHING TV. IN TRUE PSYCHO NUTBOY FASHION, RAY DEMANDED TO KNOW WHY THE WOMAN WAS IN "HIS" HOUSE. YOU GET THE IDEA.

WHEN RAY ISN'T STRAPPED DOWN IN THE STATE MENTAL HOSPITAL, HE LIVES WITH HIS MOTHER (MY GRANDMA). NOW I AM NOT ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO THINK EVERY PROBLEM A PERSON HAS CAN BE BLAMED ON THEIR UPBRINGING, BUT IT IS SAFE TO SAY THAT GRANDMA, BEING LESS-THAN-SANE HERSELF, IS AT LEAST PARTLY RESPONSIBLE FOR UNCLE RAY'S "ISSUES". BUT THAT'S ANOTHER STORY.

ONE DAY, NOT LONG AGO, GRANDMA GOT A CALL FROM UNCLE RAY. HE TOLD HER HE WAS DOWNTOWN AND HAD RUN OUT OF GAS.

GRANDMA JUMPED IN HER CAR AND WENT TO HELP HER SON. SHE DIDN'T KNOW IT THEN, BUT GRANDMA WAS IN FOR A BIG SURPRISE.

SHE FOUND RAY AND THEY SET OFF FOR THE GAS STATION, WITH RAY BEHIND THE WHEEL OF HER CAR. NO SOONER HAD HE PULLED AWAY FROM THE CURB THAN RAY SURPRISED GRANDMA BY GETTING ON THE HIGHWAY AND HEADING NORTH, AT A VERY HIGH RATE OF SPEED.

AS HE WEAVED IN AND OUT OF HIGHWAY TRAFFIC, AT SPEEDS APPROACHING 100 MPH, RAY REVEALED TO GRANDMA HIS TRUE INTENTIONS. SEEMS HE BLAMED HER FOR EVERYTHING THAT HAD EVER GONE WRONG IN HIS LIFE, AND HE HAD DECIDED TO EXACT HIS REVENGE IN A CREATIVE YET UNBALANCED WAY. RAY EXPLAINED THAT HE WAS GOING TO DRIVE GRANDMA ALL THE WAY UP TO CHICAGO. ONCE THERE, HE WOULD DEPOSIT HER ON A RANDOM DOWNTOWN STREET CORNER AND LEAVE HER THERE. RAY BELIEVED THAT BY DOING THIS, HIS MOTHER WOULD END UP A BAG LADY, FORCED TO LIVE THE REST OF HER LIFE ON THE COLD, CRUEL STREETS OF CHICAGO.

GRANDMA SPENT THE NEXT HOUR TRYING TO CONVINCE RAY TO ABANDON HIS PLAN AND RETURN HOME, BUT HE JUST DROVE ON, DETERMINED TO REACH CHICAGO. FINALLY SHE PERSUADED HIM TO PULL OVER AT A CRACKER BARREL IN MARION, ILLINOIS FOR A RESTROOM STOP. GRANDMA CLEVERLY WAITED UNTIL RAY WAS IN THE MEN'S ROOM THEN SHE TELEPHONED MY AUNT JANE (NOT HER REAL NAME).

AUNT JANE LISTENED AS GRANDMA FRANTICALLY EXPLAINED WHAT HAD HAPPENED. THEN, BEFORE SHE COULD TELL JANE WHERE SHE WAS, GRANDMA STOPPED. SHE HAD TO GO, SHE SAID, BECAUSE RAY WAS BACK FROM THE RESTROOM AND HE WAS BACK IN THE CAR AND SHE DIDN'T WANT TO KEEP HIM WAITING. THAT'S RIGHT, SHE DIDN'T WANT TO KEEP HER KIDNAPER WAITING FOR HER! (I TOLD YOU SHE WAS LESS-THAN-SANE.) LUCKILY AUNT JANE CONVINCED GRANDMA NOT TO GET BACK IN THE CAR, BUT TO STAY PUT AT THE CRACKER BARREL UNTIL SHE COULD GET THERE AND RESCUE HER. BY NOW RAY REALIZED GRANDMA WAS CALLING FOR HELP, SO HE SCREECHED OFF DOWN THE ROAD, LEAVING HER STANDING THERE, IN THE SNOW, AT THE PAYPHONE, AT THE CRACKER BARREL.

AN HOUR LATER, GRANDMA WAS IN MY AUNT JANE'S CAR, HEADED HOME TO PADUCAH.

THE NEXT DAY, RAY RETURNED HOME WITH GRANDMA'S CAR. HE ACTED LIKE NOTHING OUT OF THE ORDINARY HAD HAPPENED. IN FACT, HE ASKED HIS MOTHER TO RIDE DOWNTOWN WITH HIM SO HE COULD COLLECT HIS OWN CAR, WHICH HE HAD LEFT THERE YESTERDAY AT THE START OF HIS ATTEMPT TO KIDNAP HIS OWN MOTHER. YOU GUESSED IT- GRANDMA HOPPED IN THE CAR WITH HIM. WILL THAT WOMAN EVER LEARN?

THIS TIME, RAY DIDN'T TAKE OFF FOR CHICAGO. HE ACTUALLY DROVE THEM DOWNTOWN TO WHERE HIS CAR WAS PARKED. ONCE THERE, RAY ASKED HIS MOTHER TO DRIVE HIS CAR HOME FOR HIM. IT WASN'T OUT OF GAS AFTER ALL. GRANDMA GOT OUT OF THE PASSENGER SEAT AND WALKED TOWARDS RAY'S CAR.

AS SOON AS SHE WAS OUT OF THE CAR, RAY STEPPED ON THE GAS AND SHOT FORWARD, TRYING TO RUN OVER MY GRANDMOTHER. SHE MUST'VE HAD HER GUARD UP BECAUSE SHE LEAPED OUT OF THE WAY AS RAY SPED BY. OFF HE WENT, LAUGHING MANIACALLY AS HE PASSED.

GRANDMA RETURNED HOME. A WEEK OR SO LATER, RAY SHOWED UP, AGAIN ACTING AS IF NOTHING STRANGE HAD HAPPENED. GRANDMA PLAYED ALONG, BUT SHE WON'T RIDE IN THE CAR WITH HIM ANY MORE.