IN 1995, MY PARTNER DAVID AND I MOVED FROM RIVERSIDE (AN ETHNICALLY DIVERSE AREA WITH MANY GAY AND LESBIAN RESIDENTS), TO NEARBY VENETIA, A QUIET LITTLE NEIGHBORHOOD ON THE BANKS OF THE ST. JOHN'S RIVER.

HERE IS WHERE WE LIVE, IN JACKSONVILLE, WHICH IS IN NORTHEAST FLORIDA, RIGHT UNDERNEATH GEORGIA. 

HERE WE ARE, WITH OUR TWO DALMATIANS, DOTTIE AND SOPHIE. THAT'S ME, BRIAN, THERE ON THE LEFT. DAVE IS THE BROWN-HAIRED GUY WITH THE STERN, DISAPPROVING EXPRESSION. THAT'S BECAUSE HE DIDN'T APPROVE OF MAKING A WEB PAGE ABOUT OUR CRAZY NEIGHBOR. I DID IT ANYWAY.

WE HAD LIVED IN RIVERSIDE, WHERE ANYTHING GOES, FOR A LONG TIME. HOW WOULD OUR NEW, MOSTLY OLDER NEIGHBORS REACT TO HAVING A GAY COUPLE LIVING AMONG THEM? WOULD WE BE THE ONLY GAY GUYS IN THE 'HOOD? WOULD THEY ACCEPT US? AS IT TURNED OUT, WE WERE WARMLY WELCOMED BY ALMOST ALL OUR NEW NEIGHBORS. MY FEARS DISSIPATED. BUT THERE IS ONE NEIGHBOR WHO ISN'T SO FRIENDLY.

HE LIVES IN A SMALL, NEATLY KEPT BRICK HOUSE RIGHT BEHIND OUR HOUSE. HE'S A SOUR LOOKING MAN WHO APPEARS TO BE IN HIS MID 70'S. HE WALKS AROUND IN HIS BACK YARD, WEARING ONLY HIS UNDERWEAR! SINCE HE IGNORES OUR ATTEMPTS TO STRIKE UP A CONVERSATION, WE HAVE NEVER LEARNED HIS NAME. WE STARTED CALLING HIM "UNDERWEAR MAN" AND IT ALL SEEMED FUNNY AT FIRST. ESPECIALLY THE WAY HE SITS HIS HOUSE WITH THE DOORS AND WINDOWS OPEN AND LISTENS TO TALK RADIO AT FULL VOLUME, CURSING AND SWEARING AT THE ANNOUNCER IN A LOUD VOICE. OKAY, NOW THIS IS GETTING KIND OF ANNOYING, BUT HE'S AN OLD GUY, SO WE'LL GIVE HIM A BREAK, RIGHT?TRUE, OUR NEIGHBOR HAS SOME QUIRKY HABITS, LIKE PRANCING AROUND HIS BACK YARD IN HIS SAGGY UNDERWEAR, AND CUSSIN' AT THE RADIO, BUT THAT IS NO BIG DEAL. IT JUST ADDS CHARACTER TO THE NEIGHBORHOOD. AND BESIDES, HE SEEMS TO BE A GOOD NEIGHBOR OTHERWISE. HIS YARD IS WELL KEPT.

HE RECYCLES.

HE TRIMS HIS HEDGES. HE EVEN GETS ON THE BUS A COUPLE OF TIMES A WEEK AND HEADS INTO TOWN.

YET, IN SPITE OF ALL THESE NORMAL ACTIVITIES, WE SOON LEARNED THAT UNDERWEAR MAN HAS A DARK SIDE!

ONE NIGHT, AT DUSK,

DAVID AND I WERE RETURNING WITH THE DOGS FROM AN EARLY EVENING STROLL AND AS WE PASSED BY UNDERWEAR MAN'S HOUSE, WE BOTH GLANCED UP AND SAW OUR UNFRIENDLY NEIGHBOR STANDING IN HIS YARD, COMPLETELY NAKED! HE DARTED IN HIS HOUSE AND SLAMMED THE DOOR, LEAVING US SOMEWHAT TAKEN ABACK AT THE SIGHT OF HIM, ALL NAKED AND WRINKLY AND WHITE. WE LAUGHED AND HEADED HOME.

THEN WE NOTICED THE FIRES. SEEMS UNDERWEAR MAN (A.K.A. NAKED MAN) ALSO HAS A HABIT OF BUILDING FIRES IN THE STREET! I HAVE TWICE COME HOME TO FIND HIM BURNING SMALL PILES OF WHO KNOWS WHAT IN THE ROAD! WHEN THE FIRE GOES OUT, HE CLEANS UP THE ASHES SO NEATLY YOU’D NEVER KNOW ANYTHING HAD BEEN BURNED. NOW I AM REALLY GETTING WORRIED. WHAT IS THIS MAN UP TO? WE TOLD OUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY ABOUT HIM. EVERYONE AGREES THIS MAN IS DISTURBED, BUT WE DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ABOUT HIM. HOW CAN WE PUT A STOP TO THIS NAKED FIREBUG'S ANTICS? BEFORE WE CAN FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO, THINGS TAKE A TURN FOR THE WORSE.

THE OTHER DAY,

SOME FRIENDS WERE LEAVING OUR HOUSE AFTER A BARBECUE AND WERE TREATED TO A SHOCKING SIGHT. OUR NOTORIOUS NEIGHBOR WAS STANDING IN HIS DRIVEWAY, PEEING! HE WAS ALSO HOLDING A FLASHLIGHT, WHICH, ACCORDING TO STUNNED EYEWITNESSES, HE USED TO ILLUMINATE HIS URINE STREAM, MAKING IT SPARKLE IN THE NIGHT! IS HE A PERV OR A PERFORMANCE ARTIST?

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. I CALLED THE POLICE.

A VERY NICE POLICE OFFICER CAME OVER AND TALKED TO US ABOUT OUR NEIGHBOR.THE OFFICER SUGGESTED THAT WE TAKE ADVANTAGE OF FLORIDA'S SO-CALLED "BAKER ACT" WHICH ALLOWS 3 WITNESSES TO SIGN PAPERS FOR THE STATE TO INVOLUNTARILY COMMIT SUSPECTED NUTCASES FOR A 72 HOUR OBSERVATION PERIOD. AS STRANGE AS THINGS ARE, I JUST CAN'T BRING MYSELF TO HAVE THE OLD GUY CARTED OFF TO THE BOOBY HATCH.  

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I MOVED TO KANSAS A WHILE AGO. HE'S SOMEBODY ELSE'S PROBLEM NOW. JUST IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING. B.D.